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[25 Nov 2003|09:58pm] |
Wow I haven't updated this in ages. So go to my other blog site: xanga
I love you! <3
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| samuel lane - beautiful |
[23 Sep 2003|11:38pm] |
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i've been spoiled for so long that i've never had a chance to grow up. and now that i have to, everything is coming at me so fast. i was spoiled to a point where people would baby me. everyone took my needs in for itself. it made me not capable of doing things on my own. never had a chance to grow up in life or take a stand at my own things. my dad never wanted me to be brought up the way he was. never hurt like he did, never do the things he did. so he spoiled me. he gave me everything i could ever want. gave me joy, love, comfort... gave me a little too much. everything can't be based on the good... it should balance out. so it's all based on how you were brought up. i've never been able to comfort myself. and so when that point came to when i had to, i didn't turn to anyone for help. i didn't know how. i was never able to experience any sort of pain since my parents showed so much love. even if they did hide things from me that i never knew about. i was unaware. so finally when i had to experience hurt, it shut me down. it was overbearing and i couldnt take it. i never knew how to get sore feelings out. only the happy ones. happy.. maybe too happy as a child. when the world came over me and pilled the hurt on, i had no where to go. no one to turn to. of course i could go to my parents, but i didn't know how to tell them. how should i of known how to? i had no idea what to do. so ever since, i've just been a closed book when it came to dealing with emotions. i kept everything inside; a bottled up mix of emotion. so now, today, i have to learn to take everything in. i can't be that spoiled baby that depends on everyone to grow up for me. i have to do it for myself. but i don't get it. shouldn't i be fine? if i was hurt for so long... don't you think that it might of just equaled out or something? maybe i just have this problem because there's a reason. who knows. i lay it at God's feet. take it away, and help me grow up in this thing called life. maybe the reason is to do just that. trust in him. blah i have no clue. God works in mysterious ways.
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[18 Sep 2003|11:15pm] |
Even though you have been lost I've come to find you
Even though you chose to leave and go your way
You thought you'd find more than what I could give you
So I let you go, still I want you to know
I've seen you struggle, I've seen you crying
Seen you do those things you swore you'd never do
Your guilty soul has got you slowly dying
What you're running from, you should run to
You turn here and there for the things to make you happy
You're on a high but then you crash when those things tear you apart
Your broken heart needs my love that's real
You can start all over again
And when yours does fail you, you will find your strength in me
When you fall or lose your place you'll still be safe with me
Come out of the darkness into light so you can see
I died for you, you must believe, and open up your heart
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| pedro the lion - bad diary days |
[17 Sep 2003|10:43pm] |
I leaned back upon my faith, but it wasn't strong enough. I leaned further and you embraced me because you are.
You know what's funny? When I hear about someone hurting or struggling, I can't help but hurt too.. even if I don't know them. I don't know why. Maybe because I just simply care? Haha, who knows. My heart just goes out to them and I feel sad too. I try to help as best as I can, but I always fail. I can never get the thoughts out from my head and put them into words. People come to me seeking advice, but I just become speechless. It could be lack of knowledge, experience, or self-confidence. I am so pitiful right now. But I do care a lot about people that probably think I could careless about. I'm a very quiet person, so I notice a lot of things people do. Their behavior shows me how they feel. Some have so much hurt inside them and they try hiding it with fake smiles and laughs, even sarcasm and jokes. I'm sorry if I hurt anyone by my actions or leaving words unspoken, but that's just how I am. I try to tell how I feel, but I never suceed. I've always kept everything bottled up inside because I fear of what people will think. But I'm slowly coming out of this stupid shell, and I'm trying my hardest to show who I am to people. I just want to be true.
I'm tired of hearing actions speak louder than words. It reminds me of failure all over again.
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| armor for sleep - kind of perfect |
[13 Sep 2003|11:46pm] |
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I think one of the most strongest feeling we have is jealousy. I mean, shoot. Even God is a jealous God. It's true. "...You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the Lord your God, </b>am a jealous God</b>..." Exodus 20:5. Yes. It's just a natural instinct [I guess]. It's overwhelming. First, we start pointing out the littlest flaws of a person. We try to find at least one thing that makes them look bad. "OMGOSH look at her hand. You see the shape of her nails?! OMGOSH THAT'S SO UGLY!!!" And then we start comparing them to us. "PSH... My nails are just so much better." And then we start to dislike them just because we're so selfish. But in reality, it shouldn't even matter at all. We try to throw out and ignore all the beautiful qualities of them, and narrow them down to the smallest thing. You see, God made us all so beautiful, that we have to actually search to find something "ugly" about a person. He's so funny. *laffs*
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| binocular - everything turns |
[11 Sep 2003|09:46pm] |
don't bother reading this if you could careless about religion.
this "christian life" can be really hard at times. it gets so redundant you know... its like a routine. you wake up every morning, and think of what's going to come at your way throughout the day. it’s a beautiful day... right? yeah i’ll probably end up angry, frusturated, anxious, envious... and wish it was night time so i can just go to sleep and wake up again to another day. hmm lets see.. i'll go to school, dread being there and thinking about how bored i am, then repeat that 5 more times as i switch periods. during class, people will make some comments about my "WWJD" bracelet, and it will be my chance to actually witness to them. ehh... i can do that later, right? then there will always be that one annoying kid that you can't stand that talks and talks, and you just want to tell them to SHUT UP! but no! remember your faith. be nice. then i'll most likely engage in conversations i shouldn't be participating in.. talking or laughing about something that I really shouldn't even be thinking about. but remember not to cuss!! everyone is watching you. ahh.. well then there's always those wants and desires. "man that girl is so pretty... i wish i had her body." or "gosh, i wish i was as smart as her.." oh crap... i’m being envious and getting jealous. stop it! ok ok. yay 7th period... anticipating the bell. 2:13.. over. i'll end up raging through traffic, maybe cut a few people off, and speed home. people will piss me off on the way, but gosh, why rush? it’s not like i have anything to look forward to at home. if only i was patient. oh well. so i get home. i’ll be bored once again. i'll stare at my computer, go online, and then maybe finish up some homework. time will pass and then i’ll read my bible, pray, then sleep. repeat this for the next 4 days, until friday comes. church! arrive, wait, and then see what this weeks activity will be. it gets pretty boring these days. no one goes anymore, and since they never tell us what the activity will be, we have to go and find out what it is. that's good i guess. so everyone will talk and say hi to each other and all then it’s time to leave. maybe we'll go out after. nevertheless, i'll go home, skim through some pages, and sleep. then saturday comes. hmm what am i going to do. maybe go out with some friends? ehhh who knows. then church again on sunday. ah man, i don’t get to sleep in! i have to wake up early and drive to church. praise and worship god, listen to the sermon. “everyone, lets reflect on our week.” wow i didn’t do anything. i sinned and sinned, sometimes not even realize it. is this the only day where i come to realization of the kind of life i live? wow i need to get my act together. well monday is another day. maybe i’ll try to start it off well and live the way i should. i can fight through all the rude and arrogant people... i should love them. no one’s perfect, right? but we always can strive to be. man shouldn’t all the days of my week be about God and not of all my selfish ways? i shouldn’t be dwelling on how pretty a girl in front of me is, or how annoying people can be. i should be respecting them and trying to talk to them. maybe witness to that person that wonders what "WWJD" means. God has done so much for us, but we give nothing back to him. we are just so selfish in wanting everything for ourselves and we don’t consider the things that God wants. He doesn’t ask for much. He only wants us to put him first and love one another. if we love, all things are possible. with love comes the caring for others. with love, we don't take things for granted. if we loved all as we loved ourselves, everything would fall into place. if we ask him to humble us and to set all other thoughts out of our mind, we can give back to him. He deserves our all... not our complaints. “Then you will call, and the Lord will answer; you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I." Isaiah 58:9.
how lost do i sound?
//edit: but you know, it's all worth it in the end. and that's what matters the most.
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| blink 182 - story of a lonely guy |
[10 Sep 2003|06:34pm] |
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i need a job. do any of you know if anyone's hiring? i could work at li'ke li'ke, but i really don't want to work with food. plus sarah doesn't work there anymore, so it wouldn't be as fun. ;T i want to work at the mall or something. i tried looking today, but i failed. any suggestions?
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| d..c.. - several ways to die trying |
[08 Sep 2003|10:44pm] |
oh man.. i'm too ashammed to tell you the artist.. hahhah. yes, i am so emo right now. hHAHAHA NOT. you probably know who it is anyway... hahaha.. but they did get better.. really. hehe..
memory verse:
"He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord." - Deuteronomy 8:3
patience is something i need to work on. whether it be along the lines of driving, school, friends, God, parents, or life. if we could all just be patient, everything would be so much more wonderful. we wouldn't have to think about how things come to us so slowly. we wouldn't have to wait so long for something to happen. well, why don't YOU make something happen, instead of waiting for it all the time. you know, life isn't bad at all.. it's just what you make it out to be. if you sit there and complain all day about how boring it is, and how there's nothing to live for, you're just making it worse on yourself. come on, it never hurt to smile once and awhile, right? don't drown yourself in sorrow when things could be a lot worse. be happy! ;D
..."easier said than done," everyone replies...
ok ok. so not everything is so "great" all the time. we mess up, we don't get our way. we make too many mistakes, regrets. we loose people that mean the most to us. we discover that sometimes we just have to let go and move on. friends might disappoint us, fights and conflicts may arise, problems in family, physical sickness, pain, depression. but everything happens for a reason. it might be to learn from our mistakes. maybe the reason why we experience pain, suffering, hurt, and sorrow is for it to make us stronger. sometimes we just have to grow up and stop being so childish. don't sink down. He's always on your side.
+ sorry, i suck at writing. i can never get my thoughts out clearly. i just go along as i think. so forgive the inconsistancy of the subject. i jump around a lot.
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| nine days - wanna be |
[04 Sep 2003|08:41pm] |
I am not you.
I hurt when I hurt others.
I love because it conquers all.
I hate the way i am.
I fear God.
I forgot how to not care about what other people think.
I remember more of the bad than the good.
I imagine what it will be like after high school.
I turn hope into prayer.
I crave something sweet.
I regret too much.
I care for you.
I always try to help.
I want to become a better person.
I feel alone when you're not there.
I listen to voices that aren't heard.
I hide because I'm scared.
I read to gain more knowledge.
I dream of you.
I have everything I need.
I wait for you, no matter how long.
I pretend as if I don't care.
I drive like a maniac.
I sing when I'm alone.
I ignore those that discourage me.
I cry when I can't hold it in anymore.
I dance when I'm alone.
I write to get my feelings out.
I breathe without noticing it.
I play around a lot.
I found a reason to live.
I pray until something happens.
I miss everything about you.
I search for answers.
I learn the hard way.
I feel happy, sad, mad; yet content.
I know that love is real.
I joke to see a smile.
I fight to get my way.
I say all the wrong things.
I fail at trying.
I try to be patient.
I believe that anything is possible.
I wonder what lies ahead.
I wish I was more faithful.
I need you.
I am everything I wish I wasn't.
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| the notwist - one with the freaks |
[03 Sep 2003|10:07pm] |
question of the day:
what came first: the chicken or the egg?
man i want to get my braces off ;( i've had two dreams so far about them getting taken off. one was a few nights ago, the other was a couple of months ago. my mom was like, "that means they're going to stay on longer!" evil woman.
i don't know why i'm still in japanese. well it was because i needed two honor classes of a foreign language to receive the honors diploma, (since freshman year wasn't an honors), but now that i screwed that i might as well not take it. michelle and kristy make me want to take photography. their cameras are all spiffy... the sound and everything. ;D i'm a dork.
join key club! don't make me suffer alone... x.X
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| jay chou - hui dao guo qu |
[31 Aug 2003|02:48am] |
A dimly lit old lamp - time passes by quickly without a word.
Loneliness strikes without consideration, without differentiating the good and the bad
Silence assists the passing of unfamiliarity, quietly watching the beginning of dawn
Your shadow slowly loses its balance, sinking into the ground
Darkness is hovering in the air, I can no longer find my direction
Maybe love is on the other side of the dream, because it's hard to survive in reality
Wishing to return to the past, to hold you once more in my arms
Your shy and timid face was child-like
Wishing to see your world, to appear in your dreams
As long as we're together, happiness can be felt
Wishing to return to the past, to let our story continue
At least I would not let you leave my side anymore
I would distract time so that I will be able hold you tighter
I don't know if I am able to urge you back in time, wishing to return to the past
My thoughts kept distracting my memories
The blind search remained as empty and uncertain as ever
The misty night caused my imsomnia
When I turned around, loneliness was already by my side
+thank you for providing me with that crystal ;)
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| the rocket summer - that's so you |
[29 Aug 2003|11:52pm] |
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everything feels like a struggle these days.. i don't know i feel like i'm always contradicting myself. one voice tells me i'm doing a good job trying and all, but the other says to give up because i'm just wasting my time and i could be doing "better" things. i don't know, i just feel discouraged most of the time. i don't feel like i can be myself. why is it that it feels like things are too much to handle right now? yeah i know God doesn't give us anything we can't handle, and we have to persevere through it and eventually it will make us stronger in the end, but it's just that thoughts form in my head that i can't control and i feel as if there's no hope left. but then there are people who care for me, and they give me encouragement and it helps lessen my negativity. especially my dad. i love him.. he's always there for me ;). i should really be humble and greatful for that because i know not a lot of people receive the love i do from my family. and when i think about it, i feel an overwhelming guilt because of my selfishness. but it's ok though... he forgives us. remember that we all have Jesus to lean on for guidance, help, and love. he loves us and is always there to comfort us through all of the tough times. you can't handle everything on your own. i had to learn that the hard way. you always need that someone to help you; to pick you up when you fall and continue on. Jesus loves you so much. love him back. <3
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| evan & jaron - the distance |
[26 Aug 2003|09:53pm] |
the sky has lost it's color, the sun has turned to grey... at least that's how it feels to me whenever you're away. i crawl up in the corner as i watch the minutes pass. each one brings me closer to the time when you'll be back... you're coming back. i can't take the distance. i can't take the miles. i can't take the time until the next time i see you smile. i can't take the distance, and i'm not ashamed that i can't take a breath without saying your name. i can brave a hurricane and still be standing tall when all the dust has settled down, but i can't take the distance. i still believe in feelings but sometimes i feel too much. i make believe you're close to me, but it ain't close enough... not nearly close enough.
this song is screaming IMPATIENT. anyway, so how has everyone been doing? schools back, and it's boring. schedule, if anyone of you cares:
01 open 1st period; i start at 8:00
02 composition H
03 u.s. history H
04 physics I
05 psychology I
06 japanese III H
07 algebra II
it's really weird. all my classmates are different kinds of friends i have that are all mixed together. there's the punkers(?), then preps, and then the dorks ^^. it's cool i guess, but some classes i'm the biggest loner. it's always like that.. i mean i have the strictly "CLASSMATES", not friends you know, so we can't really hold a conversation. hMm yeah i don't know. i think i should sleep now.. although i'll probably just be lying there for an hour or so, thinking and wanting to fall asleep. I HATE IT.!
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| the juliana theory - august in bethany |
[24 Aug 2003|08:24pm] |
omgosh school starts tomorrow. the timing for this year is different; 8:00 - 1:56. maybe i won't be late every morning for once. i hate waking up in the morning. i always go to sleep later than i should.. but right now i'm actually somewhat tired, so i think i'll go to bed soon. this summer was pretty awesome. it passed by fast. lots of things happened, lots of things changed. i hope it was good for all of you as well.
happy early birthday to dickie :) he turns 17 tomorrow. what a day that will be. have fun!
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| n'sync - selfish |
[22 Aug 2003|12:36am] |
"one day i'll fly away... leave all this to yesterday. what more could your love do for me? when will love be through with me? why live life from dream to dream? and dread the day when dreaming ends."
so i got all my old cd's back from my friend yesterday. gosh, i was listening to all the songs last night, and it brought back so many memories. i'm talking about 1-3+ years back. from the crazy techno/happy hardcore stage, to the obsessive slow jam days, then to the kpop. plus a little punk. depressing days back then.
man so many people have blackmail pictures of me, especially sarah. hahah. sunshine has some too.. and kristy, and michelle.. omgosh ;X. YOU PEOPLE!! oh well, but what picture of me isn't blackmail. o.O
i am so going to keep a camera in my car. yesterday, i saw the prettiest thing in the sky. there were clouds with the sun, trying to shine through them, but the clouds were covering certain parts of the sun, so it made it look like a shine down from heaven or something. it was so beautiful. it's moments like that where i wish i had a friggin camera! >;T i wish i brought one today, too. the ladies -kristy, sarah, and sunshine- went out, and MAN, i need to save their faces on photos so i can entertain myself when they're not around. crazy girls!
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| switchfoot - dare you to move |
[21 Aug 2003|01:00am] |
so summer is basically over. i hope ya'll had a good summer.
as crazy as this sounds, i'm anticipating school. i want to have my time occupied, rather than sitting around with nothing to do. well there's plenty i could be doing, such as studying or something, but i don't know. i'm so lazy ;T. i went to the galleria mall today, and i was in abercrombie.. NO OFFENSE to anyone.. but omgoodness, all the girls in there looked exactly the same from behind. faded pants, a tight hollister/abercrombie shirt, and highlighed hair. i swear that's all my school is populated with. i'm tired of seeing it already. that's one reason why i don't want to go back. some people are so annoying too... :X
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| copeland - there cannot be a close second |
[20 Aug 2003|12:16am] |
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we always strive to be perfect, right? but since no one in this world is perfect, we have no inspiration. we have no one to look up to that's perfectly flawless, where we can at least try to become like them. everyone has at least one thing wrong with them. but i've found someone that's perfect in every way. nothing can hurt him. no one can put him down. you can go to him with everything and he'll comfort you and take the pain away. he manages to set hurt away and never let it come back. he's my best friend. he shows me love and care that could last a lifetime. if ever i'm lonely and i need someone to be there for me, i turn to him. he's there for me no matter what. he's more than a friend, and more than a feeling. he even died for me. and with that, God has given me, and YOU, Jesus. he came to you to be that person for you to come to with everything. he died for you to forgive every wrong that you've done. he turns regret into mistakes you learn from. i found someone perfect, someone i want to be like, someone that set me free from every bondage in this world. i have Jesus, and that's all i need. you should find him too. <3
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| fly to the sky - missing you |
[19 Aug 2003|09:16pm] |
i already feel like giving up. i hate living a life where i can't make my own choices. i'm tired of it. i need some inspiration or something. i know i shouldn't even be complaining, but i'm just not used to it. i'm blessed more than anyone could imagine, but i take it for granted. i'm sorry..
ugh i think i'm getting sick. you know that scratchy feeling in your throat when you wake up in the morning? i think it's because of my stupid tonsils. i really should get them removed. so expensive though.
you shouldn't live off your feelings. agree or disagree?
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| chris tomlin - give us clean hands |
[16 Aug 2003|02:19am] |
summer camp was awesome. new friendships were created; laughs and smiles were shown. there were amazing works witnessed. He replaced the broken hearts and made them pure. so many miracles were performed. He's so great ;)
all of sudden i see thing in such a wider perspective. my mind feels cleansed with His spirit. there's an overwhelming peace set in my heart. the experience i had was not like any other time. before i was always on a boarderline, hovering from side to side, picking between either the world, or Jesus. there would be times before when i'd be totally focused on Him, or just forgetting about everything and just living my life with no direction. i can't imagine what i'd be without Him. the first step was to just let go of the thought of what everyone else would think. after doing that and surrendering to His will, i am finally created new once again, and i pray i will never run from Him again.
<3 +edit// also i just wanted to say HI! to all those from TKC. they were the church we combined with in cali. they all were friendly and awesome! remember to come to vegas sometime! and keep in touch. ;) check out anne's xanga for pics!
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| hot rod circuit - consumed by laziness |
[11 Aug 2003|04:32am] |
i'm feeling the emo. ^.-
summer camp is in about 5 hours! wow it still hasn't hit me. i've been packing for like an hour now.. going on and off the computer talking to people. we're leavning to san diego, supposively at 9:30am.. but knowing koreans we'll leave at like 12. haha.. i'm still debating whether or not to pull an all nighter. it's only like 4 hours away until i have to leave my house, so maybe! michelle and crystal are wanting me to.. those fools ;P jp! i might as well...
i asked him, "is this love?"
and he changed the question to
"this is love."
aWw- so cute! ok well i'm going to run around my house and kill time before i have to leave, and you go on doing whatever you were doing before you started reading. ;) i'll miss you guys! take care.
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